Captain
America a.k.a. Steven Rogers has entered the race to be the next president of
the United States.
The patriotic
super soldier declared his bid for the White House in a press conference
yesterday.
“I am
dedicated to the preservation of the American people against the forces of
evil,” Captain American said. “I will use my shield to decapitate any army of
evildoers to defend our way of life.”
Captain
America’s late entry as an independent candidate for the job as President has
come as a surprise to politicians and pundits.
“I get that
Captain America is an expert tactician and has an enormous capacity for work, I
get that. I get that he loves his country. But he is a fictional character appearing
in Marvel Comic books. An actor in costume played him at the press conference.
For me, that raises some questions,” said conservative political consultant
Karl Rove.
A Gallup
poll conducted after the announcement of Captain American as a presidential candidate
found that a slim majority of Americans would vote for him.
“What this
would indicate is that the American people love their cartoon characters,” said
Senior Research Director Tyson Caldwell. “Although Donald Trump has held ground
for many months, it would appear there’s a new superhero in town.”
Those
opposed to Captain America becoming the head of state and commander-in-chief of
one of the most powerful nations on earth dismiss the poll as irrelevant.
“I have said
it before, but it bears repeating – Captain America is a fictional character
created by comic book artists and is the creative property of Marvel Comics,”
said Allison O’Donnell, a Masters student in pharmacology at Georgetown University.
“Besides, the Super-Serum and so-called “Vita-ray” treatment he has purportedly
taken has not had FDA approved double-blind clinical studies.”
Patton
Gettysburg, the campaign manager for Captain America is optimistic that his
candidate will present a serious challenge for both Donald Trump and Hilary
Clinton. As neither a Republican nor a democrat, America represents a massive constituency
exasperated with the other presidential contenders.
“Parties are
for poopers,” said Gettysburg. “The American people want a President that
adheres to no political party and has no plan, someone who is agenda-less. The
People want someone who can speak to their needs on a relativistic, atomic
basis.”
When asked by
New York Times journalist Jonathan Martin at the press conference what in
specific he would do for the American People, Captain America said, “If someone
needs their car washed, or they needed me to go pick up some milk for them at
the store, I will be there to help. That’s a promise.”
“For all 321,442,019
persons and counting?”
“For all
321,442,019 persons and counting,” said Captain America.
