Cancel Culture: A Ten Minute Play

Cancel Culture: A Ten Minute Play

Written: February 2020

By: Carolyn Bennett

Characters:

Carmen: 65

Jody: 55

David: 65ish

Taylor: teenager

Time: The present

Scene: Hall. A few celebratory helium balloons decorate the space. A tense Carmen places a table cloth on a table, smoothing and fussing with it. Jody enters.

Carmen: So?

Jody: Nope.

Carmen: So we have --

Jody: Nobody.

Carman: Nobody?

Jody: Nobody.

pause

Carmen: Nobody?

Jody: No .. body.

Carmen: Great. Just great. C’mon. There’s got to be somebody.

Jody pulls out list and reads

Jody: Winston Aaron no.  Carol Abascal, no. Janice Abbate, no. Pauline Abbott, no. Gina Abbruzzese, no, Moza Abbuhl, no --

Carmen: You’re going alphabetically.

Jody: I’m going alphabetically. I can go by street address or postal code if you want.

Carmen waves Jody off. Her phone rings. Carmen answers.

Carmen: Hello it’s Carmen. Oh, it’s you. Yeah, yeah. See you soon.

Jody: Dave?

Carmen: Dave. 

Jody: Dave counts.

Carmen: No he doesn’t – he’s my husband. Can’t you find someone? Anyone to volunteer?

Jody: You want me to find volunteers to volunteer for the volunteer appreciation night?

Carmen: It’s just a suggestion

Jody: Do you want me to pull people off the street?

Carmen: ... naw, better not.

Jody: I was joking.

Carmen: That’s how we did it in the old days. If we were short Meals on Wheels runners, we’d knock on a neighbour’s door and ask to borrow their kids for a few hours.

Jody: Really?

Carmen: No, but it sounds good.

Jody: Hmm. What about Irwin?

Carmen: Dead.

Jody: Dead?

Carmen: Dead.

Jody: Really? I just saw him last ... uh... yeah, so that’s why I haven’t seen him lately. What about Madeleine?

Carmen: Moved.

Jody: Craig?

Carmen: Hospitalized.

Jody: Agnes?

Carmen: Dead.

Jody: Doesn’t she have a .. proxy?

Carmen: This isn’t an election.

Dave enters with bags of chips, etc..

Dave: What time is it?

Jody: Quarter to.

Dave looks around

Dave: This is it?  Bumbaclot! Honest to god!

Carmen: Did you get Cheezies.

Dave: Yeah.

Pulls orange puffs out of shopping bag.

Carmen: What are these?

David: Cheesies.

Carmen: No they’re not. (Reads package) These are Cheesys. Cheesys with an “s” and a “y”.

David: So?

Carmen: I asked for Cheezies. With a “z” and an “ie”.

David: ... what are you talking about?

Carmen:: Did you get these at Dollar Tree? Our account is with Dollarolio now.

David: Then they should be pronounced Cheezzzeezz!

Carmen: Ok!  Let’s just calm down. Let’s regroup.

Jody: How about we just group.

Dave: (to Carmen) Look, sweets, you’ve had a good run. Done some good things around here.

Jody: Dave’s right, Carmen.

Dave: You’ve built playgrounds for kids. You’ve delivered thousands of meals to seniors. You’ve provided skills training for people living with disabilities. You’ve helped build the community up. But maybe now’s the time to say – fuck ‘em

Jody: Dave has a point, Carm.

Carmen: The Board is gonna be here any minute... we're screwed.. Can you be .. bigger.

Dave: Bigger?

Carmen: Yeah. Puff up your chest. Fill up the room more.  

Dave: You’re always telling me to lose weight. Now you want me to be bigger.

Jody: Maybe it’s time we took a package.

Carmen: Package? Of what? Where?

Jody: No, a package. As in thanks for your dedicated service, blah blah blah, here’s two years salary and don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

Dave: There’s a package? What about for volunteers?

Jody: You might get doughnuts.

Carmen: I haven’t heard anything about a package.

Jody: That’s because you don’t hang out in the lunchroom.

Carmen: My work here is not done.

Jody: But it looks like the work around here might be done.

Carmen sighs, busies herself with the Cheesys, goes off stage to look for a bowl.

Dave: There’s a package?

Jody: There’s talk of a package.

Dave: I wish there was more I could do. Could have done. I mean, I know --

Jody: -- you weren’t well, Dave. You’re better now. You didn’t plan to get sick. You’re helping us now.

Dave: I’m not bringing in any money.

Jody: That will come again.

Carmen returns with Cheesys in a bowl, and looking at her phone.

Dave: Will it?

Carman: Linda cancelled. That makes it official. Not a single volunteer is coming to the volunteer appreciation night.

Dave: I’m here.

Carmen: You don’t --

Jody: -- That’s right, Dave’s here.

A door sounds off stage. Footsteps. They turn their heads towards the sound.

Carmen: I think the Board’s here.  Bet you it’s Charles.

Jody: Maybe the volunteers will show up. Later.

Carmen: He’s gonna give his speech and leave. (beat) We tried. We’ve tried all our lives.

A teenager wearing a backpack enters. She stops. She looks at them and they look at her.

Carmen: Can I help you?

Taylor: Is this, uh --

Carmen: Are you looking for the teen writing club? It’s down the hall.

 Taylor: (looks at her phone then texts. Beat) Is this .. are you, Carman?

Carmen: Yes.

Taylor: Hi. (extends hand). I’m Taylor.

Carmen: Hello.

Taylor: Yeah, um, the Board of Directors couldn’t make it tonight, so I’m filling in.

Jody: You?

Taylor: I know, right?

Carmen: What do you mean the Board couldn’t make it?

Taylor: The Board.. for the non-profit. This one.

Jody: No one? All five members?

Taylor: Everyone is busy. So I --

Dave: Volunteered?

Taylor: I know, right?

Dave extends his hand

Dave: Nice to meet you. Look at that – we have a volunteer!

Taylor: (shakes his hand) Nice to meet you too. I’m Taylor.

Dave: I’m Dave. A volunteer.

Taylor: Mr. Weal – Charles – is my dad. So is this it? Did I miss it? Is it over, or what?

Jody: Uh, yes. Yes, we’re just wrapping up --

Carmen: No we’re not, we’re --

Taylor: -- I’m a complete dumbo when it comes to time. My phone says it’s 2 a.m. It thinks it’s still in Paris. It has a mind of its own. And honestly, I’m too, I don’t know, kinda depressed to change it back.

Carmen: The appreciation night hasn’t started yet. No one has shown up.

Beat. Taylor laughs.

Taylor: That’s hilarious!

Jody: Carmen – you crack me up.

Jody laughs, then stares at Dave to laugh. Dave starts laughing. Carmen glares at them.

Taylor: Listen, I have remarks I have to deliver on behalf of the Board. Is it okay if I just say them to you?

Jody/Dave: Yes         Carmen: No.

Taylor: Thanks so much. This won’t take long.

She clears her throat and reads off her phone. She struggles with it.

Taylor: Thank you ... placeholder ...for your kind introduction. MPP Saunderson. Your Worship. Reverend Livingston. Ladies and Gentleman. I am pleased to --

Jody: -- Taylor, why don’t you stand over here so we can see you better.

Jody moves Taylor over to one side, so she stands in front of Jody, Dave and Carmen

Jody: Better.

Taylor: Thank you .. placeholder --

Jody/Dave: Carmen--

Taylor:  Thank you Carmen, for your kind introduction. MPP Saunderson. Your Worship. Reverend Livingston. Ladies and Gentleman. I am pleased to join you tonight to celebrate the women and men who give so freely of their time to be of service to our community. What is a volunteer? According to the Cambridge dictionary, a volunteer is a noun that means a person who does something, especially helping other people, willingly and without being forced or paid to do it. According to Merriam dash Webster dot com, a volunteer is a noun that means someone --

Carmen: You don’t have to do this. It’s fine.

Taylor: Yeah, this is awkward. There's just one important thing I have to tell Carmen and Jody in private. Is that --

Carmen/Jody: Yup/us.

Taylor: O.k.

She looks at Dave

Dave: I’ll go stand over there.

Dave stands apart from the women.

Taylor: OK. (reads from her phone) The Board has entered into an agreement with TockTech to acquire humanoid robots for elder and child care duties. This may result in redundancies within the organization.

Carmen: What! No. No No, stop.

Taylor: That was the whole message anyway.

Carmen: No. The Board bails on volunteer appreciation night, and then send a kid  -- no offense -- to tell us we’re being replaced by robots? You know what? Fuck ‘em!

Jody: (laughs uncomfortably)– Carmen you’re hilarious. Isn’t Carmen hilarious Dave?

Dave: I dunno – is she? Am I supposed to listen?

Carmen: Actually, they can go to hell.

Jody: Oh Carm, you really are killing it.

Taylor:  Oh gosh, I gotta show you something else.

Taylor digs in her backpack and pulls out an Alexa type speaker device

This is part of the new AI social services thing the Board wants to initiate.

She places the speaker on the table

Go ahead. Ask Hubert anything.

Jody: Hubert?

Speaker voice responds

Hubert: The capitol of Ethiopia is Addis Ababa.

Jody: Are you taking our jobs?

Hubert: Not me, but an army of cute, cuddly robots.

Dave: What about volunteers?

Hubert: No we still need humans for that.

Dave: Good luck, voice in the box!

Hubert:  Do you mean Jack in the Box?

Carmen: Do we get a package?

Hubert: That is TBD. Confidential.

Carmen and Jody react

Taylor: Hubert. Reassure these agitated older people.

Hubert: (softly): Sssshhh. There, there. Sshhhh. Repeat after me. I’m not lonely.

Dave: I’m not lonely.

Hubert: I’m not lonely.

Dave: I'm not lonely

Carmen looks bewildered. Taylor puts a hand on her shoulder.

Taylor: It only works if you participate.

Taylor pulls her hand away from Carmen's shoulder, wipes her hands with sanitizer, and exits.

Soft spotlight on Dave, Jody and Carmen fades as they speak

Hubert: I’m not lonely.

Dave//Jody: I’m not lonely.

Hubert: I’m not lonely.

Dave//Jody: I’m not lonely.

Carman: I am.

Black

End