My debut novel Please Stand By has been on the
shelves for a month and a half now. In that time, I am delighted to say that
over 200 books have been sold. Some of you might be thinking “that’s pathetic”.
Yes, I know Margaret Atwood’s The Testaments sold over a hundred
times that amount, but that’s only because she is an enormous success. I would
be embarrassed to be that talented.
You may wonder how I’ve managed to sell over 200
books without any publicity. What follows are my ten tips for promoting your debut novel without money, social media posting, or a publicist:
1. Come From a Big Family:
My extended family is big, with the mouths to match it. Thank god for catholic guilt. My siblings and their friends have probably snapped up 50% of the books.
2. Cry In Front of Your Audience at Readings
First of all, give readings. Then make sure you cry in front of your audience. Mention having a mysterious illness, or that you are being renovicted.
3. Have Giveaways:
This is recommended on Goodreads. Everybody wants something for free. Give some books away. Hand them out at busy street corners, at the laundromat, on the subway.
Go table to table in restaurants – compete with the rose sellers.
4. Get on Television:
Everyone focuses on social media, but don’t discount good old fashioned television. Stand behind a reporter and wave your book at the camera. Car crashes and murder scenes
attract more eyeballs, so get a radio scanner and find a police channel relaying the latest tragedy near you.
5. Be in a Car Crash, or Involved in a Murder:
A little extreme, but how far are you willing to go for readers?
6. Go on Tour:
There is no need to only do readings in your home town. Hit the road. Cheap means of transportation include boxcars, airplane engines, and bus roofs.
7. Run Naked Through the Streets:
A classic attention grabber. Grabber? That’s what he said! ... and promptly got arrested for.
8: Network:
This is standard advice, but raise it up a notch. Go to conferences – any conferences. Dental associations, gemmological conventions, toy train shows – those in particular
are known for their lonely men. These fellows are likely to buy anything from a woman who pays attention to them.
9: Get Your Book Reviewed:
This can be tough, but not impossible. It helps if you have a common name, like Carolyn Bennett, James Patterson, or Stephen King. Blackmail book columnists. Tell them
you have compromising photos of them the public may want to see.
And finally:
10: Write something offensive:
It has to be offensive enough to attract the attention of all the political spectrum, but not so offensive that it’s delegated to the nutter bin. Lean toward outrageous, rather than putrefying.
Good luck!
You, the Russian spies, lonely people and bleary-eyed internet addicts who stumble upon this blog may have noticed I have not updated it in some time. That is because I know have a website:
You can read the latest nonsense from me there.
Finally -- Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from Bennettworld and all my imaginary employees.
Warm wishes from a tolerable 2020.
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