How to Promote Your Debut Novel Without Money, Social Media, or a Publicist

My debut novel Please Stand By has been on the shelves for a month and a half now. In that time, I am delighted to say that over 200 books have been sold. Some of you might be thinking “that’s pathetic”. Yes, I know Margaret Atwood’s The Testaments sold over a hundred times that amount, but that’s only because she is an enormous success. I would be embarrassed to be that talented.

You may wonder how I’ve managed to sell over 200 books without any publicity. What follows are my ten tips for promoting your debut novel without money, social media posting, or a publicist:

1. Come From a Big Family:

My extended family is big, with the mouths to match it. Thank god for catholic guilt. My siblings and their friends have probably snapped up 50% of the books.

2. Cry In Front of Your Audience at Readings:

First of all, give readings. Then make sure you cry in front of your audience. Mention having a mysterious illness, or that you are being renovicted.

3. Have Giveaways:

This is recommended on Goodreads. Everybody wants something for free. Give some books away. Hand them out at busy street corners, at the laundromat, on the subway. Go table to table in restaurants – compete with the rose sellers.

4. Get on Television:

Everyone focuses on social media, but don’t discount good old fashioned television. Stand behind a reporter and wave your book at the camera. Car crashes and murder scenes

attract more eyeballs, so get a radio scanner and find a police channel relaying the latest tragedy near you.

5. Be in a Car Crash, or Involved in a Murder:

A little extreme, but how far are you willing to go for readers?

6. Go on Tour:

There is no need to only do readings in your home town. Hit the road. Cheap means of transportation include boxcars, airplane engines, and bus roofs.

7. Run Naked Through the Streets:

A classic attention grabber. Grabber? That’s what he said! ... and promptly got arrested for.

8: Network:

This is standard advice, but raise it up a notch. Go to conferences – any conferences. Dental associations, gemmological conventions, toy train shows – those in particular

are known for their lonely men. These fellows are likely to buy anything from a woman who pays attention to them.

9: Get Your Book Reviewed:

This can be tough, but not impossible. It helps if you have a common name, like Carolyn Bennett, James Patterson, or Stephen King. Blackmail book columnists. Tell them you have compromising photos of them the public may want to see.

And finally:

10: Write something offensive:

It has to be offensive enough to attract the attention of all the political spectrum, but not so offensive that it’s delegated to the nutter bin. Lean toward outrageous, rather than putrefying.

Good luck!

You, the Russian spies, lonely people and bleary-eyed internet addicts who stumble upon this blog may have noticed I have not updated it in some time. That is because I know have a website:

https://www.carolynbennettwritercomic.com/

You can read the latest nonsense from me there.

Finally -- Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from Bennettworld and all my imaginary employees.

Warm wishes from a tolerable 2020.

Dear EPublisher

 Dear EPublisher:

Thank you for your interest in my first novel Please Stand By. I do appreciate your notes, support and eagerness to get it into the www. ether. However, your enthusiasm has been a deciding factor in my pulling the manuscript from your epublishing company.

I can hear the sighs of disappointment from my legions of fans. I can hear the accusations about denying the public my humourous insights, searing imagery and complex characterization. How dare I be so selfish.

Ah, yes, I can hear them, as I tap a spoon against my tea cup. The roar is deafening.

The simple fact is -- I don't read ebooks.

Not only that, I don't have a smart phone and I don't have cable or satellite TV. I have a phone that was given to me in 1994. It has an oversized keypad because it is a phone for the visually impaired. It plugs in to the wall.

I can go down the list.

I am not anti-technology, far from it. I am not a Luddite. I am a Luddite-light perhaps. That's a better term than cheapskate.

So I realized -- why would I have my novel published as an ebook when I don't read them?

You also told me I had to get on Twitter, PinInterest and Facebook. This caused many sleepless nights. I joined Facebook in July 2013 at your insistence. Call me a late adopter. I use it reluctantly, as a promotional depot. I hate the thought of bothering people with "notifications" and feel guilty when I don't respond to personal requests for online friendship. The less time I sit and stare at a computer screen, the happier I am. Maybe If I am ever "liking" a beheading on Facebook, I'll be more open to using Twitter and PinInterest.

Which leads me to the main reason I have decided to put my manuscript on hold with your company.

Crowdsourcing.

We were going to put an Indiegogo campaign together for me to ask people to pre-order my book. I wrote a funny script and lined up an excellent cinematographer to shoot it.

And then I pulled the plug. So close.

Cancer researchers use crowdsouring. NGOs use crowdsourcing to raise funds for typhoon victims. Writers who are social media darlings use crowdsourcing.

I could not in good conscience go electronic cap-in-hand. Even to friends and family. Especially to friends and family. This is a first novel, not a cure for Alzheimer's (although it has been said I am a clever writer). Can't do it. Even if it, as you say, "pre-ordering".

So where does that leave Please Stand By?

Exactly where it was a year ago, under a stack of paper on the bottom book shelf in my office and as a Word document. It may stay there indefinitely. Or I may work up the nerve again and send it to small Canadian publishing houses. And I do mean houses, there is one around the block from where I live.

Thank you very much for tolerating my infernal unwillingness and knuckle-cracking. I am confident you have moved on at lightening speed to the next fortunate writer.

I remain,

Carolyn Bennett writer/comic

Social Media and the Push for Please Stand By

Dear Carolyn,

We are pleased to inform you that your manuscript Please Stand By has been accepted for publication. Note that we are not a traditional publisher. While we only publish books that meet our standard, we will not incur any upfront costs. You have to do your part to acquire funds to allow for publishing. We will help you with that through an Indiegogo campaign and crowdsourcing because you have made it clear you will not self-fund (self-publish). We want to work with you and believe your novel will enjoy commercial success.

What we need you to do now is get on social media. We need you to have an online presence. We suggest you start with Twitter and Facebook. Expanding your brand in the community will help engage more readers with your excellent work.

If you need any assistance, please don't hesitate to email.

All best,

Ebook publisher.

Carolyn Bennett

@Pleasestandby

 Tweets:

@pleasestandby

Want to drink some Koolaid and meet the lord? Follow me!

Hi Carolyn,

Thanks for your first tweet! While we appreciate your willingness to join social media, we suggest you find a more congenial approach. Let people get to know you and engage with your awesomeness. Thanks!

@pleasestandby

Hi community. Will someone help me get some milk out of the fridge? My back gave out.

@pleasestandby

Sorry to bother you, but I need to advertise.

 @pleasestandby

I pixilate therefore I am.

@pleasestandby

I miss email.

 @pleasestandby

Germany Invades Poland.

Hi Carolyn,

Thanks for all your hard work getting the tweets out! Maybe Twitter is not for you, considering you have no followers and that you are not following anyone yourself.

Why don't we set up an author's page for you on Facebook. I realize you have held off on joining Facebook since its inception and that the thought of promoting yourself is abhorrent. So consider the Facebook page a website for the book! It is all about your novel (although people do want to know about you, on a personal level). On Facebook you can invite friends to "like" you, and that way they will know about your upcoming Indiegogo campaign for Please Stand By.

Please give it a try, Carolyn. We are here to help. By the way -- You need a new name.

All best,

ebook publisher.

Dear Ebook publisher:

The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them. Isaiah 11:6

Oh man -- I'm quoting the bible. I must be scared.

Once, in Jasper National Park, I jumped off a cliff; falling, flailing, screaming into glacier water.

Brace yourself:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Carolyn-Bennett/638979972781558