November 10, 2016
ring ring ... ring ring ...
Receptionist: Good morning,
Office of the Prime Minister. Bonjour, Cabinet du Premier ministre.
Trump: Hi, get the Prime
Minister on the line, will ya?
Reception: Excusez-moi?
Trump: Hey, look, I know you
have call display. Just put the Prime Minister on the line ... Please.
Reception: ... Attendez, s'il vous plaît.
Hold music: Celine Dion's Dans un autre monde
Trump: (to Melania): Can you get me another Pepto-Bismol, sweetie?
Reception: Mr. Trump, Prime Minister Trudeau is now on the line.
Trump: Stephen. It's Donald. Can you congratulate me again? I wanna hear it one more time.
Trudeau: Mr. Trump, ah, a small reminder, my name is Justin Trudeau.
Trump: Right. Lay that polite canuckspeak on me again.
Trudeau: (reading from statement): On behalf of the Government of Canada, I would like to congratulate Donald J. Trump on his election as the next President of the United States. Au nom du gouvernement du Canada, j’aimerais féliciter --
Trump: -- yeah yeah, enough with that. Listen, Trudeau. We're going to be doing business together. You know me. I like to say it the way it is. So, I'm going to make you a beautiful offer, that I think, is fantastic for everyone involved. This is a limited time offer, so don't think too much about it. Listen -- I will buy your national and sub-national debt -- all of it. Because I'm a nice guy.
Trudeau: Quois?
Trump: In exchange -- in exchange for the branding rights to Canada.
Trudeau: Je ne comprends pas ce que vous dites ...
Trump: (to Melania); Do you understand what he's saying? (to Trudeau)
So I will wipe out your debt, all of it,
make all your problems go away, in exchange for branding rights.
So we'll do away with the word Canada
and call the place Trumpland. It's easier for business, a catchier name,
it's fabulous. We'll take care of everything on our end.
You won't have to do a thing, except stay out of our way.
Trudeau: ... Je ne comprends pas ce que vous dites ... Parlez-vous francais?
Trump: (to Melania). What the hell? (to Trudeau). Okay ... Moi, je suis, uh,
payez lots of money, pour votre, uh, country. Canada, non,
Trumpland, oui. D'accord?
Trudeau: Attendez, s'il vous plaît. Allow me to consult with my advisors.
Trump: I'll give you two minutes.
Hold music: Roch Voisine's Un Simples Gars
Trump (to Melania): I don't know why he wants to speak French? I don't get it.
Trudeau (back on line): Mr. Trump. I would like to thank you for your generous
offer to buy our national and subnational debt. Your thoughtfulness is
appreciated. However, our government politely declines your offer.
We thank you for your interest
in our sovereignty, a wish you all the best as you prepare to become
the next President of the United States.
Trump: Wait a minute -- are you sure? What are you holding onto up there?
Give it up, it's been over for years. We already own you.
Why not give up the charade and make it official?
Trudeau: Le Canada n’a pas d’ami, de partenaire ou d’allié plus
proche que les États-Unis. Nous sommes impatients de travailler de très
près avec --
Trump: -- yeah, yeah, we'll be in touch. The offer is only good for another day.
Trudeau: If you have any further inquiries, you can have them directed to our Minister of National Defence, the Honourable Harjit Singh Sajjan.
Trump: I don't know that guy. What's he look like?
Trudeau: He looks Canadian.
Trump: Beautiful. You people are so good looking. I like good looking.
Trudeau: I have to go,
Hadrien just threw up.
Trump: Who? Doesn't matter.
Think about my offer. We'll see you around.
Trudeau: See you on ice. Au revoir.
